FEAR - FEARFUL - FEARING - FEARLESS - FEAR. LESS.

I’ve been putting off writing this for a very long time. The plain, ugly truth is that I am scared. Now that I’ve typed it, the monster doesn’t feel as big, but unfortunately, it’s still here. But let’s continue. A little more than 4 years ago I told a teacher I wanted to be f e a r l e s s. I won’t lie, I thought it was a pretty decent answer to “What is your life goal?” I remember clearly, I even said it with a smile. When I valiantly stated that I wanted to be fearless, I was met with a raised eyebrow, a soulless stare back and something that resembled a very thin line on this person’s face, and also absolute stillness from the rest of the class. My heart was beating fast as I realized my answer did not land, like not even a little bit. Oh my god I hate being wrong. My mouth felt drier than it did a few seconds ago, and after what felt like maybe 65 years, he responded “Being fearless is impossible.” 

BEING! FEARLESS! IS! IMPOSSIBLE! 

Ah…ok, got it! I injected this into my core system of beliefs.

I categorized this in my mind under “Facts/Hard Truths About Life.” I took this person’s word as sacred text because this was someone who held themselves like they knew the answer to everything. In my defense, at the time I was a very lost and new artist so naturally I felt indebted to believe in this all-knowing teacher.

It would be impossible for me to be fearless. This is how I lived. So, I let fear take over all of my life choices - where I lived, what I did, who and how I loved, etc. The thing about living fearfully is that the more we feed it the more powerful it becomes. The first step is to admit it though.

Recently, I met a group of inspiring actors. I wonder about them often. What is it about them that keeps me coming back and makes them so wonderfully attractive, unpredictable and yet so safe, kind of like a womb? I think the common thread that brings them together is conviction in their dreams and who they are. To witness them doing art, being art, and performing art is the personification of fearlessness. It’s pretty magical. 

All of January I ruminated over and over what it was that was stopping me from just freely writing and posting it. The truthful and painful answer is that I am still scared of something I have conjured in my mind entirely (though one could also argue the world isn’t very kind to artists and that manifests in individuals in strange ways)… but that can be a topic for another time. 

I crave to fear-(failure)-less. I want it. And if I write it out then maybe it’ll come true?

And if the monster doesn’t find me, then more writing to come :)